Mr Stealth and the Mission: Destructo
by Katria Bloom
Summary: H/D SLASH. A cracktastic mixture of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Harry Potter.


_This is utter crack I wrote ages ago. It was inspired by watching entirely too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer._

Harry slowly opened his eyes, kicking away the thin blanket tucked tightly around his legs

Harry slowly opened his eyes, kicking away the thin blanket tucked tightly around his legs. "H…hello?" He rasped, his voice cracking. "Is anyone here? Wh…where am I?"

"Ah, Harry, you're awake," came a female's voice and Harry glanced over to the door, where Hermione stood with, of all things, a crossbow. "Excellent. Shall I fetch Ron and Ginny, I'm sure they will be very…"

Harry interrupted, "Why do you have a crossbow, and since when do you wear spandex?"

"There's no time," Hermione said as a dull blush rose over her cheeks. "Ron! Ginny! Harry's awake!"

Ron bounded into the room first, dropping his mace at the door before pulling the black ski mask he was donning off. "I can't breathe in that, 'Mione…Crikey Harry, you're awake? Can you remember who I am?"

"You had the mask on backwards," Harry said flatly. "It's probably safe to say that you couldn't see either. Would it do any good to ask why you had a bloody _mace_?"

"Well…" Ron began, but Ginny staggered in dragging a sword behind her.

"Harry! You're alive! I was so worried…" she said, struggling with the sword as she approached.

Harry held up both hands as he hastily said, "Keep away from me with that thing."

Ginny pouted but kept her distance.

"I suppose you want to know what is going on," Hermione said, shifting the crossbow over to her hip. "This is probably a bit of a shock. You woke at a rather important time for us. We were about to go on Mission: Destructo."

"I named it," Ron added, preening.

"I gathered," Harry replied.

"You've been out for nearly a week Harry, and we didn't know what had happened to you," Ginny said, her voice dangerously close to a whine. "Hermione and Ron said they found you collapsed on the floor of your flat, naked and unconscious. One could only assume that you had been assaulted by You-Know-Who, of course."

"I have been doing research on stasis spells, but I haven't been able to find a cure," Hermione continued. "We decided to take drastic action: going after You-Know-Who himself to find a way to cure you."

"That's daft!" Harry screeched. "Please tell me that you weren't just going to barge in there with your dinky muggle weapons and expect to defeat the greatest wizard Dark wizard of our time. You would have been killed, all because…"

"Now Harry, I've been doing my research," Hermione said, shifting her bow to the other hip. "It all indicates that no magic can touch him. It only makes sense that muggle weaponry would be the way to go. We were, of course, going to take our wands."

Ron rolled his eyes, putting his ski mask back on. "We aren't completely stupid."

"I'm out of it for a little while and everybody gets delusions of grandeur," Harry muttered under his breath. "You did all of this in less than a _week_?"

They all nodded in unison.

In an even softer tone, he asked, "You were planning on killing Voldemort without me?"

Ron patted his hand. "We felt if was for the best."

"Listen, I've got to tell you lot something, it wasn't Voldemort who…"

"All ready for Mission: Destructo?" came another voice from the doorway. Draco Malfoy stood in leather and sunglasses holding a machine gun backwards.

"How did _you_ hear about it?" Ginny whined before dropping her sword on her toe.

"You can't come, you're cramping our style," R on said airily.

"I invited him, he's got skills," Hermione said. "You're holding the gun backwards."

Draco was quick to fix the problem before his eyes fell on Harry and he flushed considerably. "Oh…Potter's awake. Jolly good, you…you found a spell, then?"

"No," Harry said with a smirk. "I woke up on my own. Can I talk to Malfoy for a moment?"

"Right, of course," Hermione said. "I think it's safe to say that Mission: Destructo has been aborted. Ron, take off that ridiculous ski mask…"

Draco lay down his gun before sliding his sunglasses up on top of his head. "You scared the shit out of me, you know."

"And you just left me there," Harry replied. "Naked."

Draco lowered his head, trying to suppress his laughs. "You didn't tell them, I take it?"

"And how would I go about that?" Harry asked.

"How about 'Voldemort didn't curse me, I passed out for a few days because Draco Malfoy is so bloody fabulous at giving blow jobs.' That sounds pretty good to me, I don't know about you."

Harry rolled his eyes before taking a good look at Draco. "Leather, eh? How were you going to be Mr. Stealth in leather?"

"I'm not Mr. Stealth," Draco replied. "I just look good in leather."

Harry climbed out of the bed to walk past Draco, shutting the door. He then slipped Draco's wand out of his back pocket and cast first a silencing, then a locking charm on the door. With a slow grin he whispered, "That you do."

* * *


End file.
